Every Bollywood Film Ever Made!
by jennifer snape
Summary: Short Spoof! Starring Sue and Steve Wimalarathkaryjayarachchigeparathanalopakaweera and their family of four thousand, wedding plans, and family feuds!


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Every Bollywood Film Ever!

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Sue Wimalarathkaryjayarachchigeparathanalopakaweera is enjoying a quiet family dinner with her family of four thousand, in their modest one-bedroom house. Suddenly the enchanting tones of a sitar are heard….

Behold! A man is sitting on the middle of the dinner table, playing an instrument!

Sue: "Who on earth are _you_?"

Bob: "I have absolutely no idea. Will you dance with my entourage and I?"

Sue: "I'd love to!"

500 minutes, 32 locations, and 92 costume changes later, they stop dancing. No one thinks it strange that dinner was interrupted in this way. Neither do they think it strange that everyone in the village immediately stopped what they were doing in order to come and dance in their house. Nor are they puzzled that Sue was able to travel to all these places despite not even having a visa.

Mark (playing the tabla seductively): "Will you dance with me?"

Sue (incredulously): "Who on earth are _you_?"

Mark (suddenly confused): "I have absolutely no idea."

Neither does anyone else. It's decided that it probably isn't relevant anyway.

Mark: "Dance with me?"

Sue: "Well I'd rather have an in depth political discussion about the exploitative manner in which our forefathers - "

Deafening music starts to play and 550,000 dancers appear from behind a single tree. (No one questions why there is a tree growing in the middle of the room).

Sue (rolling her eyes): "Oh, alright then…."

62 minutes and several mild heart attacks later, they finish dancing.

Deafening music suddenly starts again.

Sue (angrily): "Will someone please shoot the God damn conductor?"

Too late, Bob has already whisked her away. They proceed to dance very intimately (at arm's length, without any physical contact, and with lots of frantic arm waving). Sue decides on the spur of the moment that she would like to marry Bob.

Oh dear - Sue's father Steve doesn't seem very happy. He proceeds with forty minutes of beard twirling and scheming looks. Fortunately no one notices, even though he is standing right in the middle of the room.

Suddenly Granny Simpkins approaches, her sari jacket exposing her whole midriff. She sees Sally, the youngest daughter of their family (the youngest of five hundred siblings) and exclaims in horror because little Sally's skirt is exposing a whole _inch_ of her ankles. Granny proceeds to exclaim in her native language (that no one has ever heard of because apparently she is the only one who speaks it) in a Cockney accent, and faints in shock (very dramatically and very slowly, so that someone will have time to catch her). No one bothers to catch her. Her concealed bottle of vodka rolls onto the floor.

It is decided that 8-year-old Sally has shamed her whole family so no one ever speaks to her again. She packs her bags and moves out and everyone forgets that she ever existed. Oh well, what can you do.

Steve strides up to Sue.

Steve: "I want you to marry Mark!"

Sue (whining): "But I only met him 2 seconds ago! Why would I possibly want to marry someone I've never met before?"

Steve: "Because he's stinking rich, of course."

Sue: "Well you have a point…."

She contemplates this attractive offer whilst looking pensively in the distance. Everyone kindly dances to distract the attention away from her, while she makes this life-altering decision under the glare of the entire village.

Sue (finally making her mind up): "I want to marry Bob!"

Steve (annoyed): "Why would you possibly want to marry _Bob_? You have everything in common, he treats you like a princess, he makes you unbelievably happy, and he loves you more than life itself! No good can come of this!"

Sue: "I know it sounds awful, dad, but - "

More beard twirling.

(Director: "Thank goodness this actor has a beard, or the film would be 4 hours shorter.")

Steve (grasping at straws): "You can't marry Bob because his family and ours have a seven thousand year old feud!"

Sue (rolling her eyes): "We've got a feud with every family within a 250 mile radius dad. At this rate I'll never marry _anyone_."

Sue's mum promptly dies of shock. No one notices.

Sue (folding her arms): "What is this feud even about?"

Steve (frantically trying to remember): "Something to do with peanuts. Anyway – that's not the point."

Sue: "I want to marry Bob!"

Steve: "I want you to marry Mark!"

She marries Mark.

The End.

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Cast:

Sue Wimalarathkaryjayarachchigeparathanalopakaweera

Steve Wimalarathkaryjayarachchigeparathanalopakaweera

Bob Arghanapathalogipalanthorammani

Mark Peters (changed his name to Mark Surjagaranthikolapakinovannaraliya because everyone was teasing him about his funny name)

Extras and crew: 7364000 dancers, 4732 wardrobe assistants, 452 jet planes to carry them to all the locations involved, and 32 podiatrists to treat the numerous foot complaints after all the violent dancing.

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Hope you enjoyed that! This wasn't meant to be insulting in any way! I just have memories of watching Hindi films with my dad and never knowing what was going on besides the violent dancing and frequent feuds!

Whenever I visit my family, it always amuses me how it's fine for anyone wearing a sari to walk around baring their midriffs, but if I show a millimetre of abdomen I'm not allowed to leave the house hahahahahaaaaaa! So that's what Granny Simpkins was for!

My own 'funny name' is hidden in there somewhere (and if you include the double barrel bit, my surname is actually 19 letters long, no kidding). Ah the joys of being Asian! Hahahaahaaaaaaa!


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